The Plague

No, not that plague.

Since having Evan, one thing in particular has plagued me...and just when I think I have escaped its unyielding grasp, it rears its ugly head once again.  It came uninvited and made itself at home when I was most vulnerable as a new mom (in other words, when my mom had to leave and Will returned to work, and I was left alone with this tiny creature I had no clue what to do with), and I have yet to shake myself completely free from its power.  It has been the catalyst for depression, fear, & anxiety unlike anything I have ever felt before.  It has had me convinced, on more than one occasion, that I am the worst mother in the world and am doing everything wrong.  Just ask my mom, who probably remembers a tear-filled phone call that began with, "Mom, I think I'm ruining my child!!" [and I really thought I was] in the midst of tears born from exhaustion and desperation.  It is the most challenging thing I've had to deal with as a mother.  

So...what is this ugly and utterly unwelcome plague that has stalked me for 9 months (and counting)?  One word:


DOUBT.

Don't get me wrong...Doubt and I did not just meet upon Evan's birth.  Doubt and I go waaaayyyy back.  I got to know Doubt well as a teenager - wholly caught up in my perceived inadequacy & worthlessness, a hopelessly imperfect girl lost in the midst of seemingly perfect people.  In college I was reacquainted with Doubt when I found myself single and surrounded by a sea of happy couples, desperate to feel desirable and loveable.


But the type of doubt that has afflicted me as a mother is stronger and more pervasive than any I have ever known.  Maybe that's because the stakes are higher now.  Now there's a precious little life who is directly affected by my choices & actions.  And the weight of that truth has greatly burdened my soul.

I wish I could say that I saw doubt coming and met it armed with Truth, ready for a battle.  I wish I could say that at the first tremor of anxiety I turned to scripture and prayer, seeking the Peace that passes understanding.  And I really wish I could say that I didn't give in, didn't allow fear to have a foothold in my heart.  But I can't say that...in fact, I think I jumped into the sea of doubt with both feet, allowing the waves of fear to overwhelm me.  Fear and doubt struck my heart each time I tried a different method of sleep training and it never seemed to work as well as the experts promised...I was so stressed by the fact that I couldn't get my baby on a precise schedule (as hard as I tried), that I came to hate the very word "schedule"...I got too caught up in comparing my baby with other babies, my experience with other moms' experiences, and somehow I always came up short. 

Thankfully, somewhere along the way I opened my eyes and saw that Evan was happy, healthy, and totally fine.  I had not ruined my child for life (yet), and despite not being on a set-in-stone schedule, our routine was working for him...and it was working for me.  I realized that part of being a mother is figuring out what is best for your child, and it's okay if that looks different than what other moms are doing for their kids.  Most importantly, I was reminded that God is ultimately in control of my son and I couldn't totally screw him up even if I wanted to.  God is big enough to cover my inadequacies and mistakes as a parent.  He chose to give Evan to us, knowing in advance all the mistakes we would make and how imperfect we are.  God hand-picked us to be Evan's parents, and He hand-picked Evan to be our son.  God created me to be Evan's mother, and He has equipped me with everything I need to be the best one for the job.

(Ok, can I just pause for a moment and say WOW?!)  

I still find myself struggling with doubt (more than I'd like to admit), and I still compare myself to other moms way too much (and I still come up short more often than not).  But I am learning to trust...slowly but surely.  The more I trust, the more I realize how blessed I am by this adorable, roly-poly, silly, sweet little boy.  And I realize just how excited I am to watch Evan grow & learn & become the person he was made to be.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You,
because he trusts in You."
~Is. 26:3